THE ROUND-UP: Where Are the Dads?

Here are five good ones

I recently updated the format of this Substack. Here’s the deal: Every month, all subscribers will receive THE ROUND-UP, a list of curated recommendations around a theme; THE ESSAY, a piece of memoir-laced cultural criticism by me; and THE RESTACK, an often new—but sometimes old—essay from one of my favorite fellow care-obsessed Substackers.

Paid subscribers will also receive THE INTERVIEW, a deep dive into care with interesting thinkers from a wide variety of disciplines and political persuasions. Annual paid subscribers get a free copy of my book, “When You Care.”

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My dad Martin and me

Where are the dads?

I’ve heard this question a lot recently.

Sometimes, it’s an inquiry into why parenting content is dominated by moms.

Other times, it’s someone wondering: Dads are parenting more actively than they have in generations, but we don’t see them advocating for better policies for parents. Why?

I’m not here to argue that there are tons of men talking about care and/or fighting for more support for parents, caregivers, or gender equity in the home. But there are some. And they are doing very good work worthy of your attention.

For this month’s ROUND-UP, I’m highlighting five game-changing dads whose work—and care—I admire.

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ONE / A PERSON

MARTIN STRAUSS

Before I share the work of others, I’ll start with a moment of appreciation for my dad, who, since I was a little girl, has been a natural at one of the most important parts of caregiving: he listens. With humility. Without judgment. With tenderness. With true attention.

So often, efforts to care get clouded by a desire to know or control this mad world. My dad doesn’t pretend to fully understand—let alone have mastered—the madness of existence. He just steps inside the madness with me, a fellow traveler through my confusion and pain, absorbing some of the bitterness through his open ears, mind, and heart.

Love you, Dad!

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TWO / A BOOK

AUGUSTINE SEDGEWICK

I spent last weekend reading Fatherhood: A History of Love and Power by Augustine Sedgewick. In it, he explores the history of eight famous dads—Henry VIII, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Charles Darwin (one of my favorites), Bob Dylan, and others— in an attempt to better understand what fatherhood is, and could be. He looks at how fatherhood functions in the private, intimate realm and the public, power-seeking realm; its complicated relationship to the patriarchy; and the undertow of insecurity felt by these womb-less parents, which seems to be as old as human time.

Here’s his explanation of the book’s mission:

“By any measure, fatherhood is one of the most meaningful concepts in human culture… Fatherhood is a story… of who we are and where we come from, who we’re related to and different from, what we’re capable of and limited by, what we have and what we lack—a story about inheritance and legacy in all its forms. And everyone has at least one fatherhood story of their own.

Yet through the middle of this common human experience of fathers runs a curious divide. Our private, individual stories about fathers tend to be full of complication and conflict, sometimes even more than we realize. In contrast, our public, shared stories tend to be fantasies, melodramas, and parodies populated by heroes, villains, clowns, and ghosts. …

We need better shared stories about fatherhood—about what it means and why it matters—even when better means worse. Not because fatherhood must be salvaged or redeemed or restored one more time, but because without a deeper and more humane understanding of the role of men in the world, we will continue to struggle to see and know ourselves, one another, and the richest parts of our lives. The goal of this book is to find just that.”

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THREE / A PODCAST

ALEX TRIPPIER

Are you someone who’s been paying close attention to all those conversations about how men would benefit from being more vulnerable, honest, and accepting of human dependency—and how spending more time caregiving can help get them there?

If you want a real-world example of what this looks like when a guy actually goes there, check out the podcast Be a Happier Parent hosted by Alex Trippier. He enters the fray of domestic gender dynamics with a deep sensitivity to what it feels like to be a dad, and a man, today.

I’ve done a fair number of conversations with dads, but few felt as real and searching as the one I did with him. My episode isn’t out yet, but I recommend listening to the others he’s released so far—and following him on Instagram.

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FOUR / A FINANCIAL & LIFE PLANNER

BRIAN PAGE

Brian Page is a former personal finance and economics teacher who created Modern Husbands after transitioning to being the primary caregiver and household manager in his home. Through his podcast, newsletter, and online guides, he provides families with “shame- and judgment-free” practical tools, as well as inspiration for dads to do more at home. Unlike most “share the domestic load” content, his work is designed with dads in mind.

Overall, the vibe is less men should do more care and domestic work to offset the burden placed on women, and more men should do more care and domestic work because it is good for everyone—including men.

Women feel a lot of justified rage about the domestic, care, and mental load gap. That rage can be healthy, but—based on personal experience and research—rage alone won’t fix this problem. Empathy, understanding, patience, and practical solutions tend to go much farther. I’m glad Brian is here to help.

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FIVE / A NEWSLETTER

SHANE MEYER-HOLT

Shane Meyer-Holt

is the author of the newsletter The Untethered Dilemma: An exploration into why we’re so disconnected and where we go from here.

Shane writes sensitively about the need for community and care, and the complexity of forging and sustaining such connections. He writes about his own struggles with care as a father, and the broader systems and culture that make care so much harder than it needs to be. (He’s also the only other person I’ve encountered who is familiar with a few of the not-even-the-tiniest-bit-famous care theorists and theologians who inspired my book.)

Lastly, when you tell someone you write about care and interdependence, they often assume you’re a kumbaya type—always ready to light the campfire and have people link arms in song. Shane’s work is a perfect example of writing about interdependence that isn’t treacly or simple. Interdependence is beautifully, brutally, essentially human. We don’t just need to be told it matters—we need help figuring out how it works, because it is hard. Especially today.

He’s on it.

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BONUS: NON-RECOMMENDATION

I saw the new Wes Anderson movie, The Phoneician Scheme, this past weekend. If you like Wes Anderson, it’s certainly entertaining enough. But if you’re looking for some of the pathos and heartache that buttressed films like The Grand Budapest Hotel—it’s not there.

What pains me about this absence is that it should have been a great care story. To the degree that psychological depth and nuance exists in the film, it plays out via a reconciliation between a father and adult daughter. This could have been the great care-fueled hero’s journey I’ve called for before. Instead, it is the thinnest of wireframes to hang the movie’s schticky busisness mogul caper plot on.

Wes Anderson, I’m available for consultation should you ever want to put more meat on the bones of your care stories!